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[
open on the main set of "Wake Up
and Smile!" ]
Oliver
(WIll Ferrell): It's the 20th
anniversary of "Wake Up and
Smile!"
Diane
(Nancy Walls): 20 wonderful
years! And 20 years of this man
giving us the weather. Tim Baker,
how's it looking out
there?
[
cut to the weatherman on the side
of the set ]
Tim
Baker (David Allen Grier):
Heighty-ho! Well, we've got some
mean storm clouds in the
northeast, and a happy sun in the
southeast! Back to
you!
[
cut back to Oliver and Diane
]
Diane:
Thank you, Tim Baker. We're
looking forward to another 20
years.
Oliver:
It has definitely been a fun
ride! Now, I understand you've
got some cooking tips for us,
Diane. I understand you've got
some cooking tips for us, Diane.
I understand you've got some
cooking tips for us,
Diane..
[
a stagehand taps on the
teleprompter, which keeps
spitting out the same phrase
Oliver keeps repeating
]
Diane:
[ panicking ] Um.. ih..
it looks like we're having sme
problems with the prompter
here!..
[
Oliver and Diane are silent with
stage fright ]
Oliver:
[ fumbling for something to
say ] The teleprompter on
which everything we say appears
on.. is broken..
Diane:
[ trying to laugh ]
Please! Let's get that
teleprompter fixed!
Oliver:
Uh.. we're having what's known in
the business as.. technical
times.. right now..
Diane:
Uh.. well.. let's go to.. Tom..
Bulcher.. with the
weather..
[
cut to the weatherman on the side
of the set, stunned by the broken
teleprompter ]
Tim
Baker: Blank screen.. no
words on it.. got to think.. must
think.. [ pause ] Back to
you..
[
cut back to Oliver and Diane, who
are forced to "make something up"
]
Oliver:
Uh.. you know, Diane, I had a
notion the other day..
Diane:
Uh.. well.. uh.. notions make..
uh.. this country
happen..
Oliver:
I.. I.. I was thinking someone
should get a group together..
uh.. with guns to sweep out those
ghettos..
[
the show cuts to quick
commercial, then comes right back
to its frightened hosts
]
Diane:
I.. drive a red car..
Oliver:
Make sure those poor people stay
away from it.. they've got
sores..
Diane:
Let's.. uh.. let's go for weather
with.. Jeff Shaker..
[
cut back to the weatherman, who's
still stunned by the broken
teleprompter ]
Tim
Baker: Rain.. clouds.. fear..
I must control the fear.. Please,
someone tell me what to say.. I'm
dying!
[
cut back to Oliver and Diane,
still struggling themselves
]
Oliver:
[ breathing heavily ]
Getting cold.. feel so
alone..
Diane:
I'm afraid.. I'm afraid.. I'm
afraid!
Oliver:
...
Diane:
What are we gonna do?! There's no
words!
Oliver:
[ taking control ] We
must use the furniture to build a
barricade! [ jumps up and
pulls his chair to the floor
]
Tim
Baker: [ panicking ]
If we wait, surely they will send
help, and make the words so we
can be safe..
Oliver:
[ loosening his tie ] We
can't wait! If we wait, we die!
I'm the dominant one, here, so
I'll be the leader!
Diane:
[ on the verge of tears ]
I'm so hungry..
Oliver:
We will live! We will live! [
lets out a dominant scream, as
the show goes to commercial
again. When the show returns from
the commercial, the set is on
fire, Oliver has painted a hand
on his chest and started his own
dominion. ]
Oliver:
[ screaming ] The Order
of the Hand will rule! The
animals of the Zoo guy, Danny
Usher, will sustain us. [
places a turtle over the chair
]
Tim
Baker: But what if the box
still refuses to give us any
words?!
Oliver:
You challenge my
authority?!
Tim
Baker: [ sniffing Oliver
] I smell from your scent
that you are weak! I challenge
you!
[
Oliver and Tim charge one another
and topple to the floor fighting
for authority. Within seconds,
Oliver resurfaces with Tim's
severed head ]
Oliver:
The weatherman is DEAD! I KILLED
the weatherman! His STRENGTH is
in me! [ starts to chew on
the weatherman's severed head
]
Diane:
[ crying ] Make the words
come back.. Make the words come
back..
Offstage
Voice: Prompter's
fixed!
[
suddenly, everything returns to
normal ]
Diane:
[ shocked ] Fixed?! [
reading off the teleprompter
] That's right, Oliver. I'll
show you how to make a cassrole
for the holidays. Stay tuned.
Because we're celebrating 20
magical years of "Wake up and
Smile!"
[
Oliver and Diane cry as the show
cuts to one last commercial,
aghast at how poorly they handled
a time of crisis ]
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