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Kent
State (Tim Meadows) and Leif
Barrett (Will Ferrell) are
shirtless guys selling bibles
door-to-door. They encounter a
homemaker (Julianne Moore) and
deliver their pitch:
Leif
Barrett: Hey there, pretty
lady. My name's Leif Barrett.
This is my partner Kent State.
We're shirtless, and we sell
bibles."
Kent
State: And you, you look like
the kind of pretty lady who could
use a bible, or twelve (laughs).
But seriously, how many bibles
would you like to buy?
Homemaker:
Sorry, guys, I'm not interested
in buying any bibles today.
Leif
Barrett: Well, that's bad
news, 'cause I'm planning on
busting my ass to get you into a
brand new bible.
Homemaker:
Thanks anyway, I don't need any
bibles.
Leif
Barrett: Maybe I can put it
to you a little more clearly.
This bible reeks of class [
Kent sniffs a bible ], okay?
A sophisticated little number.
And, dudes are going to go nuts
when you buy this and put it on
your shelf.
Homemaker:
Yeah, I'm married. I don't
want dudes going nuts in my home.
Kent
State: Uh, but, lady, this
bible has pictures in it.
Leif
Barrett: Yeah, there's
pictures of that guy Jesus, and
other bible guys, from the olden
days.
Homemaker:
Why aren't you wearing any
shirts?
Leif
Barrett: Bibles don't wear
shirts. Why should we?
Homemaker:
Because you're gross?
Kent
State: Yeah? You know what's
not gross?
Homemaker:
The bible?
Kent
State: Oh, dammit. You
anticipate my every move, you
know that? you must be really
good at checkers.
Leif
Barrett: How 'bout this? What
if every bible came.. with a
brick of gold? Would you buy one?
Homemaker:
Of course.
Leif
Barrett: Okay. Now, take away
the bar of gold. Do you still
want one?
Homemaker:
No.
Leif
Barett: Okay, the gold's
back. You want one now?
Homemaker:
Of course.
Kent
State: Okay, what if I told
you that I would remove my pants
if you buy a bible?
Homemaker:
Then I would definitely not
buy a bible.
Kent
State: Okay, what if told you
that I would remove my
underpants? Would that sweeten
the deal?
Homemaker:
No.
Kent
State: What if I also..
okay.. lady, how 'bout this: you
see this watch? This is how much
the Lord loves you.
Homemaker:
That doesn't make any sense!
Leif
Barrett: You know who does
make sense?
Homemaker:
Who?
Leif
Barett: Jesus.
Kent
State: Mmm-hmm. Jesus
Martinez. He's our supervisor.
And he says if we don't sell
1,500 bibles a week for a year,
we owe him 700 grand.
Leif
Barrett: We signed four
contracts saying we'd do this.
Kent
State: And they all hold up
in court.
Homemaker:
Why would you agree to that?
Leif
Barrett: Well, it all started
when we picked up a ringing
payphone in a laundromat. This
guy wanted to know if we'd want
to buy a condo in Vegas.
Kent
State: Yeah. Of course, we're
not crazy, we said yes! And so we
gave him all our credit card
numbers, and that's how we met
our best friend in the world,
Jesus..
Leif
& Kent: Martinez.
Homemaker:
Wait, wait. Jesus Martinez is
your friend? I thought he was the
guy that swindled you?
Kent
State: He is, but he's a good
listener.
Leif
Barrett: Every Friday night
we meet him at Taco Bell, and
wait for him to tell us if
they're going to build the condo
or not.
Homemaker:
The condo's not even built
yet?
Kent
State: No. No, they might not
even build it, and they're
definitely not building it in
Vegas (laughing), we know that
much for a fact.
Leif
Barrett: Yeah, we know that.
In fact, if I had to do it all
over again, I probably wouldn't
do it.
Kent
State: You know what? I would
do it over again, but instead of
buying a condo, I think I'd buy
spinal cord medicine.
Homemaker:
What's wrong with your spine?
Kent
State: Oh, nothing that a
little spinal cord medicine won't
fix.
Leif
Barrett: Okay.. I'll tell you
what. You let us stay in your
house for a week..
Kent
State: Good deal!
Leif
Barrett: ..all you have to do
is buy 3,000 bibles, Even-Steven.
Homemaker:
[ angry, pushing them out
the door ] Get out, get out.
Come on, that's enough..
Kent
State: Aw, lady, would you
kick the Lord out of your house?
Homemaker:
Well, you're not the Lord?
Kent
State: Yes, but if I was the
Lord, would you pray to me?
Leif
Barrett: Hey, Kent, what if I
also was the Lord, and then we'd
have to have a Lord-Off?
Kent
State: [ amused ] Aw,
dude! I would destroy you with my
Jesus fingers, and then I could
have all the burritos I could
eat!
Leif
Barrett: [ laughing too
] I'd have a super-deep voice
and good clothes. And I'd look in
showers of women's dorms with my
Lord-vision.
Kent
State: Aw, dude, I would use
my Lordness to get out of three
of the four contracts with Jesus
Martinez.
Homemaker:
Now, wait, if you're the
Lord, why wouldn't you get out of
all four?
Kent
State: Well, you have to see
that fourth contract, lady, it's
a doozy.
Homemaker:
[ pushing them completely
out the door ] Good day,
gentlemen, good day.
[
OUTSIDE ]
Kent
State: I told you we should
have worn shirts.
Leif
Barrett: You're right. [
pause ] Come on, let's go
untie that kid.
Kent
State: Yeah. Hey, kid..
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