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[
open on White House press
conference ]
President
Bill Clinton (Darrell
Hammond): Good afternoon. I'm
here today to address speculation
as to why no Independent Counsel
has been appointed to investigate
alleged illegal fundraising by
the Democratic National
Committee. Let me just say that
the Attorney General has
concluded that no ethical
violations were committed that
would warrant this kind of
investigation. [ gives his
thumbs-up ] Now, before I
take your questions, bear in
mind, I still have to use
crutches when I walk! [ holds
his crutches up ] See? It's a
ltitle tough for me to
sit..
[
reporters start clamoring for his
attention ] Female Reporter:
Uh, Mr. President? Today is the
anniversary of both the Waco
incident and the Oklahoma City
bombing. Meanwhile, there are
reports of new threats from
militia groups. What is Attorney
General Janet Reno doing to
protect the people?
President
Bill Clinton: Let me just
say, the Attorney General has
placed the Federal Government on
a full state of alert. And, don't
worry, Janet Reno has got this
under control..
[
Janet Reno crashes through a side
door like the Incredible Hulk and
takes over the press conference
]
Attorney
General Janet Reno (Will
Ferrell): You wanted her, you
got her! [ grabs Clinton by
the crutch and shoves him aside
] Now, you're gonna get the
straight dope from the horse's
mouth! It's Reno Time! Now, who
wants a piece of Reno? [ Wolf
Blitzer stands up ]
You!
Wolf
Blitzer (Mark McKinney): Uh..
Wolf Blitzer, CNN News. Miss
Reno, as an appointee of an
administration that's plagued
with pending indictments, hasn't
the time come for you to remove
yourself from the
investigation?
Attorney
General Janet Reno: If you
ask one more question like that,
you're gonna have to rue with my
foot from your ass! What kind of
name is "Wolf", anyways? [
distraught, Wolf Blitzer takes
his seat ] Next question!
Come on, who wants to
tango?
Male
Reporter (Tim Meadows): Yeah,
Miss Reno? Vice-President Gore
has admitted to raisng money from
his White House office. Given
that, how can you claim there's a
lack of evidence?
Attorney
General Janet Reno: Let me
tell you something about Al Gore:
he's a beautiful boy, but he'll
say anything to get you in the
sack!
Male
Reporter: What the hell does
that mean?
Attorney
General Janet Reno: Shut it,
tough guy! Or you're gonna eat
it, Reno-Style! Here's some
straight talk: I'm the Attorney
General. That makes me Top Cop of
the most powerful nation on the
planet! [ President Clinton
hobbles towards Janet Reno on his
crutches, but she yanks them away
] Back off, Tubby! I'm just
getting warmed up! [ throws
the crutches across the room
] Go fetch! Go!
[
President Clinton swaggers a
second, then catches his balance
and smiles at the reporters
]
President
Bill Clinton: I didn't need
them, anyway! [ laughs
]
Attorney
General Janet Reno: I've got
time for one more question! [
points to a reporter ]
You!
Helen
Thomas (Ana Gasteyer): Helen
Thomas, UPI. Doesn't the 1978
Independent Council Statute allow
you to avoid a conflict of
interest by submitting your
request to a panel of three
Federal judges?
Attorney
General Janet Reno: You're a
sad, old lady. That's it! End of
press conference!
[
President Clinton hobbles forward
again ]
President
Bill Clinton: Ladies and
gentlemen, forgive the Attorney
General, she's been under a lot
of pressure lately, and I'd love
to take your questions about my
Federal Budget proposal, or my
efforts to modify the Chemical
Weapons treaty. I mean, nobody
wants to live in a world of
pollution..
Attorney
General Janet Reno: [
makes fake snoring sounds behind
President Clinton ] Get real!
Now, I'm gonna do push-ups for
everyone, and I want you to count
them out loud! Blitzer, get up
here and sit on my
back!
[
Janet hits the floor and Wolf
Blitzer sits atop her back as the
other reporters count push-ups
out loud ]
Reporters:
One! Two! Three!
[
fast zoom to Janet Reno's face
]
Attorney
General Janet Reno: "Live,
from New York, it's Saturday
Night!"
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