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(Theme
Music)
Announcer:
Good Morning! Grab a cup and get
ready to fill it with Morning
Latte!
*Laughter*
Cass:
Wooo! Yeah! Yeah!
Tom:
Good Morning! Welcome to Morning
Latte I'm Tom Wilkins!
Cass:
And I'm Cass Van Rye! I think, I
think I'm Cass Van
Rye!
Tom:
Yeah, you are! You're Cass Van
Rye! You're Cass Van
Rye!
Cass:
Uh huh! huh! huh!
Tom:
We're having just way too much
fun here! You see our new
producer Frank Leonard went
fishing over the weekend
and-
Cass:
Oh, no no no! Don't you tell the
story you're just going to start
cracking up again! Frank, tell
em' the story- this is great-
Frank!
Frank:
Well, really it was nothing, I
just decided to go fishing so I
called up 4 of my best buddies
and-
Cass:
Oh! (to Tom) Did you
go?
Tom:
No, didn't get a
call-yeah.
Frank:
Well we were out in the boat and
I realized I forgot the bait so
I... I used a Fig Newton and
caught a cat fish.
Tom
and Cass: *crazy
laughter*
Cass:
How funny is that? Come on!
Woo! A Fig Newton. It's not just
a cookie, it's fruit and cake!
Tom:
I-I-I know what it is. Yeah. Uh,
how big was the fish, Frank? Was
it about this big? (wide
gesture)
Frank:
Oh no really, it was just a two
pounder at best.
Tom:
Two pounds, that's a hefty
fish!
Frank:
Oh, no, no, that's just a little
fish.
Cass:
But a Fig Newton, come on!
...cake and cookie.
Tom:
So, Cass, how was your weekend?
Did you and Eli finally see "Good
Will Hunting?"
Cass:
No, I did something even better.
I saw "Spice World!"
Tom:
Oooooh! That's supposed to be
good.
Cass:
Yeah.
Tom:
Hey Frank, have you seen "Spice
World" yet?
Frank:
I don't know what that
is.
Cass:
Well you know what I found myself
saying after I saw this film;
move over "Hard Days
Night!"
Frank:
No kidding?
Cass:
Yes, these gals are fabulous,
yeah, they have got more talent
that anything out of Britain or
England!
Tom:
Wow...wow. I better get on the
stick. Did Eli like this
film.
Cass:
No, he walked out, but I took my
two nieces: Bridget Rose and
Delila. I don't have kids of my
own but I do have
nieces!
Tom:
That's right. You can't have kids
because you're not
able.
Cass:
I can't have children because my
ovaries are crossed.
Tom:
They're not like this, they're
like this! (crosses arms) You are
barren! There's no kids coming
out of this Sahara Desert, no
way!
Cass:
No...no.
Tom:
No fruit!
Cass:
No fruit, no. I am barren! Case
closed. Case closed. So, what did
you and Gail to this weekend?
Were you guys gearing up for the
Olympics?
Tom:
No, we've just been basically
riveted to this Clinton
story!
Cass:
What story?
Tom:
That's what I wanna- Has
anyone heard about this- Get
this! They are accusing the
president of having an affair
with an intern gal.
Cass:
What?!?
Tom:
Did you read about
this?
Cass:
No, I don't care for newspapers.
But I do get my news from Hard
Copy.
Tom:
Fair enough, fair enough. And
some folks are accusing the
president of perjury! Of course
perjury meaning-
Cass:
Oh, to make a payment.
(Gestures)
Tom:
Uh. No. No. Actually, it means to
lie under oath.
Cass:
To lie. (big gesture)
Lie.
Tom:
Now we're supposed to believe
he's been sexual with this
Lewinski gal? You gotta be
nuts!
Cass:
Come on!
Tom:
Look at her! She's heavy, am I
wrong? (audience
laughs)
Cass:
No, no she's-
Tom:
She's heavy!
Cass:
She's plump. She's a stout gal.
Frank, what's your take on
it?
Frank:
I don't think her weight has
anything to do with it, she's not
that heavy.
Tom:
I mean, I mean maybe the
president was trying to get milk
from her cause she's a cow!
*laughter* No, hey, come
on, I'm not trying to be funny
here.
Cass:
No.
Tom:
She's a fat, fat, fat
cow!
Frank:
By the way, these are just
allegations, and a little note, I
don't know if it's fair to
compare a heavy person to a
cow... that's just my
opinion.
Tom:
You know, they are just
allegations right now.
Cass:
True, true.
Tom:
But she's a fat tub of goo! And
I'll bet she smells! That's just
my opinion.
Cass:
You know, I'll tell you
something. I do not want to smell
her. I do not want to go near
there.
Tom:
No, no.
Frank:
You guys want to tell em' who
we've got on the show today? They
might find that
interesting.
Cass:
We have the Queen of Sole:
(with Tom) Ms. Bernadette
Peters!
Together:
"You had to be a BIG SHOT!
Didn't ya? You had
to-"
Tom:
I love that song!
(Frank
walks onto the
set)
Cass:
Woo! Everybody our producer,
Frank Leonard!
Frank:
I brought my fish in to show
you.
Together:
Oh!
Tom:
Where's the rest of it?!? I
can't believe how small this fish
is!
Cass:
Oh this isn't a big fish,
Frank!
Frank:
I-I-I know, but-
Cass:
This is not a big fish! You kept
going on and on about a big fish
and this is not a big fish! You
were bragging and bragging about
how-
Frank:
I NEVER SAID IT WAS A BIG FISH
YOU STUPID BITCH!!!!!
(audience
laughter)
Frank:
I mean... uh... I'm just kidding!
Here! Take it, it's a
gift!
Cass:
Oh, Frank!
Tom:
Ha Ha Ha!
Cass:
How funny is that?!! Coming up
next, Bernadette
Peters!
Together:
"I am woman, hear me
roar!"
(Theme
Music and
applause...)
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