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Morning Latte (2-7-98)

(Theme Music)

Announcer: Good Morning! Grab a cup and get ready to fill it with Morning Latte!

*Laughter*

Cass: Wooo! Yeah! Yeah!

Tom: Good Morning! Welcome to Morning Latte I'm Tom Wilkins!

Cass: And I'm Cass Van Rye! I think, I think I'm Cass Van Rye!

Tom: Yeah, you are! You're Cass Van Rye! You're Cass Van Rye!

Cass: Uh huh! huh! huh!

Tom: We're having just way too much fun here! You see our new producer Frank Leonard went fishing over the weekend and-

Cass: Oh, no no no! Don't you tell the story you're just going to start cracking up again! Frank, tell em' the story- this is great- Frank!

Frank: Well, really it was nothing, I just decided to go fishing so I called up 4 of my best buddies and-

Cass: Oh! (to Tom) Did you go?

Tom: No, didn't get a call-yeah.

Frank: Well we were out in the boat and I realized I forgot the bait so I... I used a Fig Newton and caught a cat fish.

Tom and Cass: *crazy laughter*

Cass: How funny is that? Come on! Woo! A Fig Newton. It's not just a cookie, it's fruit and cake!

Tom: I-I-I know what it is. Yeah. Uh, how big was the fish, Frank? Was it about this big? (wide gesture)

Frank: Oh no really, it was just a two pounder at best.

Tom: Two pounds, that's a hefty fish!

Frank: Oh, no, no, that's just a little fish.

Cass: But a Fig Newton, come on! ...cake and cookie.

Tom: So, Cass, how was your weekend? Did you and Eli finally see "Good Will Hunting?"

Cass: No, I did something even better. I saw "Spice World!"

Tom: Oooooh! That's supposed to be good.

Cass: Yeah.

Tom: Hey Frank, have you seen "Spice World" yet?

Frank: I don't know what that is.

Cass: Well you know what I found myself saying after I saw this film; move over "Hard Days Night!"

Frank: No kidding?

Cass: Yes, these gals are fabulous, yeah, they have got more talent that anything out of Britain or England!

Tom: Wow...wow. I better get on the stick. Did Eli like this film.

Cass: No, he walked out, but I took my two nieces: Bridget Rose and Delila. I don't have kids of my own but I do have nieces!

Tom: That's right. You can't have kids because you're not able.

Cass: I can't have children because my ovaries are crossed.

Tom: They're not like this, they're like this! (crosses arms) You are barren! There's no kids coming out of this Sahara Desert, no way!

Cass: No...no.

Tom: No fruit!

Cass: No fruit, no. I am barren! Case closed. Case closed. So, what did you and Gail to this weekend? Were you guys gearing up for the Olympics?

Tom: No, we've just been basically riveted to this Clinton story!

Cass: What story?

Tom: That's what I wanna- Has anyone heard about this- Get this! They are accusing the president of having an affair with an intern gal.

Cass: What?!?

Tom: Did you read about this?

Cass: No, I don't care for newspapers. But I do get my news from Hard Copy.

Tom: Fair enough, fair enough. And some folks are accusing the president of perjury! Of course perjury meaning-

Cass: Oh, to make a payment. (Gestures)

Tom: Uh. No. No. Actually, it means to lie under oath.

Cass: To lie. (big gesture) Lie.

Tom: Now we're supposed to believe he's been sexual with this Lewinski gal? You gotta be nuts!

Cass: Come on!

Tom: Look at her! She's heavy, am I wrong? (audience laughs)

Cass: No, no she's-

Tom: She's heavy!

Cass: She's plump. She's a stout gal. Frank, what's your take on it?

Frank: I don't think her weight has anything to do with it, she's not that heavy.

Tom: I mean, I mean maybe the president was trying to get milk from her cause she's a cow! *laughter* No, hey, come on, I'm not trying to be funny here.

Cass: No.

Tom: She's a fat, fat, fat cow!

Frank: By the way, these are just allegations, and a little note, I don't know if it's fair to compare a heavy person to a cow... that's just my opinion.

Tom: You know, they are just allegations right now.

Cass: True, true.

Tom: But she's a fat tub of goo! And I'll bet she smells! That's just my opinion.

Cass: You know, I'll tell you something. I do not want to smell her. I do not want to go near there.

Tom: No, no.

Frank: You guys want to tell em' who we've got on the show today? They might find that interesting.

Cass: We have the Queen of Sole: (with Tom) Ms. Bernadette Peters!

Together: "You had to be a BIG SHOT! Didn't ya? You had to-"

Tom: I love that song!

(Frank walks onto the set)

Cass: Woo! Everybody our producer, Frank Leonard!

Frank: I brought my fish in to show you.

Together: Oh!

Tom: Where's the rest of it?!? I can't believe how small this fish is!

Cass: Oh this isn't a big fish, Frank!

Frank: I-I-I know, but-

Cass: This is not a big fish! You kept going on and on about a big fish and this is not a big fish! You were bragging and bragging about how-

Frank: I NEVER SAID IT WAS A BIG FISH YOU STUPID BITCH!!!!!

(audience laughter)

Frank: I mean... uh... I'm just kidding! Here! Take it, it's a gift!

Cass: Oh, Frank!

Tom: Ha Ha Ha!

Cass: How funny is that?!! Coming up next, Bernadette Peters!

Together: "I am woman, hear me roar!"

(Theme Music and applause...)

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