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(Jeopardy
Theme Song...)
Alex
Trebek (Will Ferrell):
Welcome back to "Celebrity
Jeopardy" It's been an exciting
first round. That being said,
let's take a look at thescores.
Sean Connery has negative 16,500
dollars.
Sean
Connery (Darrell Hammond):
Damm you and your daily doubles
you brigand! One day it'll be my
turn, Trebek!
Alex
Trebek: Great. Calista
Flockhart, with an amazing
negative $58,000. Good
job.
Calista
Flockhart (Drew Barrymore):
[ quietly like all of her
lines ] Thank you.
Alex
Trebek: And finally, Nicholas
Cage is in the lead with
$8.
Nicholas
Cage (Jimmy Fallon): You got
lights, you've got cameras -
bitchin' technology!
Alex
Trebek: I don't know how
anyone could get $8, but better
luck to all of you in the next
round. It's time for Double
Jeopardy. Let's take a look at
the board. The categories are..
Potent Potables; The Pen is
Mightier.. that category is all
about quotes from famous authors,
so you'll all probably be more
comfortable with our next
category..; Shiny Objects;
continuing with Opposites; Things
you Shouldn't Put in Your Mouth;
What Time is It?; and, finally,
Months That Start With Feb. Mr.
Cage you're in the lead, so let's
start with you.
Nicholas
Cage: Hmm.. what?
Where...
Alex
Trebek: Okay, Calista
Flockhart, why don't you pick a
category?
Calista
Flockhart: Um no..
pass.
Alex
Trebek: You'll pass. Very
smart. Mr. Connery, why don't you
pick?
Sean
Connery: Ah! Well met! I'll
take Months That Start With Feb,
Trebek.
Alex
Trebek: For how
much?
Sean
Connery: Suprise me, you
filthy bastard!
Alex
Trebek: Okay, that's
completely unnecessary. Months
That Start With Feb for $800.
This is the only month that
starts with Feb. [ Sean
Connery buzzes in ] Mr.
Connery?
Sean
Connery: Febtober!
Alex
Trebek: No. [ Calista
Flockhart buzzes in ] Calista
Flockhart.
Calista
Flockhart: What is..
Febturday?
Alex
Trebek: No.
Sean
Connery: She said
turd!
Alex
Trebek: I hate you! The
answer was February. That's the
month that starts with Feb. It
was last month!
Sean
Connery: Aha! A trick
question!
Alex
Trebek: Yeah, it was a trick
question, Mr. Connery. Why don't
you pick a category?
Sean
Connery: I've got to ask you
about the Penis
Mightier.
Alex
Trebek: What? No. No, no,
that is The Pen is
Mightier.
Sean
Connery: Gussy it up however
you want, Trebek. What matters is
does it work? Will it really
mighty my penis, man?
Alex
Trebek: It's not a product,
Mr. Connery.
Sean
Connery: Because I've ordered
devices like that before - wasted
a pretty penny, I don't mind
telling you. And if The Penis
Mightier works, I'll order a
dozen.
Alex
Trebek: It's not a Penis
Mightier, Mr. Connery. There's no
such thing!
Nicholas
Cage: Wait, wait, wait.. are
you selling Penis
Mightiers?
Alex
Trebek: No! No, I'm
not.
Sean
Connery: Well, you're sitting
on a gold mine,
Trebek!
Alex
Trebek: Right, right.. say,
let's move on to Final Jeopardy,
that should be a lot of fun. And
the category is: The Federalist
Papers. Wait, wait, I'm sorry,
that's my bad. That's for regular
"Jeopardy", which we'll be taping
later today. Your category is:
Horsies. All you have to do is
tell me "Are Horsies pretty?"
[ the Final Jeopardy music
starts as the celebrities
scribble some answers ] Yes
or no, we'll except either
answer. "Are Horsies pretty?".
Keep in mind, there's no wrong
answer. [ music stops, Alex
approaches the podiums ]
Let's see what all of you wrote,
starting with you, Mr. Cage, and
you wrote.. and you're podium is
gone..
Nicholas
Cage: I don't know where it
went, I'm confused.
Alex
Trebek: You lost you podium?
I don't see.. you know what - I
don't care. Let's move on.
Calista Flockhart.
Calista
Flockhart: [ louder than
normal ] What?
What?
Alex
Trebek: Settle down, just
relax. You wrote.. nothing. And
you wagered.. nothing.
Calista
Flockhart: [ in a whisper
] The pen was too
heavy.
Alex
Trebek: Fair enough. Mr.
Connery?
Sean
Connery: We meet
again.
Alex
Trebek: Let's see your
answer.. [ screen reads
"Buck" ] Oh, I'm sorry.. that
must be you wager. A Buck. And
you answer is.. [ screen
reads "Futter" ] Futter. Buck
Futter, I don't get
it.
Sean
Connery: Ohhhh.. I think you
do, Trebek. I tThink you do,
indeed!
Alex
Trebek: Well, thanks for
joining us..
Sean
Connery: [ yelling ]
Buck Futter!!
Alex
Trebek: Fine, whatever.
That's it for "Celebrity
Jeopardy".. [ shaking head
] I don't know..
(Jeopardy
Theme Song... )
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