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Celebrity Jeopardy

(Jeopardy Theme Song...)

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy! We've got quite a contest going on here, lets take a look at the scores. Sean Connery is in second place with negative $6,500.

Sean Connery: Only on account of villainy!

Alex Trebek: Great... Uh, Minnie Dryver is in first with a commanding score of zero.

Minnie Dryver: (Repeatedly presses buzzer, puzzled as to why it doesn't work, finally it beeps...) (With English accent) Umm, what is history?

Alex Trebek: (Hesitates) We haven't started playing yet! And finally, Jeff Goldblum with an incredible negative $17,800.

Jeff Goldblum: (Gestures to the audience as though there were roaring applause. Blows a kiss. Me? I know...) Well...uh, yes, I suppose I do. (Shrugs)

Alex Trebek: Better luck to all of you, in the next round.
It's time for Double Jeopardy, lets take a look at the board. And the categories are: Potent Potables, Literature, which is just a big word for books, Therapists, Current US Presidents, Show and Tell, Household Objects, and finally; One Letter Words.
Anyway, Jeff Goldblum you are in third place, so the board is yours.

Jeff Goldblum: Well...uh, this is...uh, Jeopardy. Seeing as there are...uh...one, two, three-four-five-six...ahh seven...uh, seven different categories-

Alex Trebek: (Interrupting) Right, Mr. Connery why don't you pick?

Sean Connery: I looks like this is my lucky day! I'll take The Rapists for $200.

Alex Trebek: That's "Therapists..." That's "Therapists," not "The Rapists." Lets skip "Therapists" and try "Household Objects" for $400. And the answer is, "You usually drink water out of one of these..."

(Buzz)

Alex Trebek: Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: A leather glove!

Alex Trebek: No.

(Buzz)

Alex Trebek: Minnie Dryver.

Minnie Dryver: A toilet!

Alex Trebek: That is awful.

(Buzz)

Alex Trebek: Jeff Goldblum.

Jeff Goldblum: (Gestures at the buzzer until time runs out.)

Alex Trebek: And, you're an idiot! The answer was "a glass."

Sean Connery: Then the day is mine!

Alex Trebek: (Hesitates) Technically it's still Mr. Goldblum's board, but since he's a human wasteland, I'll let Mr. Connery pick again.

Sean Connery: Oh...I'll play your game you rogue! Lets try "The Rapists" for $20.

Alex Trebek: How about "Show and Tell" for $600? I'll just show you an object and you'll tell me what it is, okay?

Sean Connery: It's a man with a mustache!

Alex Trebek: No, Mr. Connery, I am not the object. I haven't shown it to you yet. Here it is. (Holds up a hammer) (...silence) Name this object!

(Buzz)

Alex Trebek: Minnie Dryver

Minnie Dryver: It's a popsicle!

Alex Trebek: No.

(Buzz)

Alex Trebek: Jeff Goldblum, name this object.

Jeff Goldblum: Yes...uh, thank you. That's a...uh, a what-do-you-call-it when you...umm. When you...When you punish criminals in...uh, days of yore. It was a... And you'd put them in the...uh, the square in those...you know...uh-

Alex Trebek: You mean in the stocks or a pillory?

Jeff Goldblum: Yes, exactly! Buzz

Alex Trebek: (Hesitates) It's a freaking hammer!

Jeff Goldblum: Well of course it is!

Sean Connery: Now listen to me! You back off Trebek! You wouldn't have known that if you didn't have that card in front of you! ...This guy reads from a card!

Alex Trebek: Whatever...Lets move on to "Current US Presidents" for $400. And the answer is, "He is the current US president." (...silence) "He has white hair, and you've probably seen him in the news." (...silence) "His first name is 'Bill'." (...silence) "Mr. Goldblum, I know for a fact you had dinner with him recently." (...silence) "His last name is Clinton!" (...silence) "His name is Bill Clinton, please someone simply say, 'Who is Bill Clinton?'." (...silence) Someone just say it! Anyone. (Time runs out) ...And the show has reached a new low.

Sean Connery: And I'm the cock of the walk!

Alex Trebek: All right, lets just move on to Final Jeopardy. And the category is, "Letters of the Alphabet." All you have to do is write down a letter. Any letter at all. For instance, "A" or "G."

(Jeopardy Theme Plays... )

Alex Trebek: There is no reason why any of you should be writing this much! Please just write down a letter of the alphabet. Mr. Goldblum evidently doing Tai Chi over there...

(Time runs out and lights go up.)

Alex Trebek: Okay, for the sake of tradition, lets take a look at the answers. Sean Connery, you wrote: (Picture of a large hand giving "The Finger" appears) Okay...that is definitely not a letter.

Sean Connery: Ha-Haa!!

Alex Trebek: Beautiful...just beautiful. Minnie Dryver lets see what you wrote. You drew a picture of an eye.

Minnie Dryver: Well, "I" is a letter isn't it?

Alex Trebek: Are you English or retarded? Lets go to Jeff Goldblum who appears to still be doing Tai Chi. Lets see what your answer was. The number 2.

Jeff Goldblum: Ah-hah ah-hah ah-hah...the letter 2 my friend!

Alex Trebek: No, 2 is a number.

Jeff Goldblum: I...uh, I...uh, can't read or write.

Alex Trebek: Good for you...Well, as always three perfectly good charities have been deprived of money here on Celebrity Jeopardy. I'm Alex Trebek, and the three of you should be ashamed of yourselves! Good Night!

(Jeopardy Theme Song... )

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