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(Jeopardy
Theme Song...)
Alex
Trebek: Welcome back to
Celebrity Jeopardy! We've got
quite a contest going on here,
lets take a look at the scores.
Sean Connery is in second place
with negative $6,500.
Sean
Connery: Only on account of
villainy!
Alex
Trebek: Great... Uh, Minnie
Dryver is in first with a
commanding score of
zero.
Minnie
Dryver: (Repeatedly
presses buzzer, puzzled as to why
it doesn't work, finally it
beeps...) (With English
accent) Umm, what is
history?
Alex
Trebek: (Hesitates) We
haven't started playing yet! And
finally, Jeff Goldblum with an
incredible negative
$17,800.
Jeff
Goldblum: (Gestures to the
audience as though there were
roaring applause. Blows a kiss.
Me? I know...) Well...uh,
yes, I suppose I do.
(Shrugs)
Alex
Trebek: Better luck to all of
you, in the next round.
It's time for Double Jeopardy,
lets take a look at the board.
And the categories are: Potent
Potables, Literature, which is
just a big word for books,
Therapists, Current US
Presidents, Show and Tell,
Household Objects, and finally;
One Letter Words.
Anyway, Jeff Goldblum you are in
third place, so the board is
yours.
Jeff
Goldblum: Well...uh, this
is...uh, Jeopardy. Seeing as
there are...uh...one, two,
three-four-five-six...ahh
seven...uh, seven different
categories-
Alex
Trebek: (Interrupting)
Right, Mr. Connery why don't you
pick?
Sean
Connery: I looks like this is
my lucky day! I'll take The
Rapists for $200.
Alex
Trebek: That's
"Therapists..." That's
"Therapists," not "The Rapists."
Lets skip "Therapists" and try
"Household Objects" for $400. And
the answer is, "You usually drink
water out of one of
these..."
(Buzz)
Alex
Trebek: Sean
Connery.
Sean
Connery: A leather
glove!
Alex
Trebek: No.
(Buzz)
Alex
Trebek: Minnie
Dryver.
Minnie
Dryver: A toilet!
Alex
Trebek: That is
awful.
(Buzz)
Alex
Trebek: Jeff
Goldblum.
Jeff
Goldblum: (Gestures at the
buzzer until time runs
out.)
Alex
Trebek: And, you're an idiot!
The answer was "a
glass."
Sean
Connery: Then the day is
mine!
Alex
Trebek: (Hesitates)
Technically it's still Mr.
Goldblum's board, but since he's
a human wasteland, I'll let Mr.
Connery pick again.
Sean
Connery: Oh...I'll play your
game you rogue! Lets try "The
Rapists" for $20.
Alex
Trebek: How about "Show and
Tell" for $600? I'll just show
you an object and you'll tell me
what it is, okay?
Sean
Connery: It's a man with a
mustache!
Alex
Trebek: No, Mr. Connery, I am
not the object. I haven't shown
it to you yet. Here it is.
(Holds up a hammer)
(...silence) Name this
object!
(Buzz)
Alex
Trebek: Minnie
Dryver
Minnie
Dryver: It's a
popsicle!
Alex
Trebek: No.
(Buzz)
Alex
Trebek: Jeff Goldblum, name
this object.
Jeff
Goldblum: Yes...uh, thank
you. That's a...uh, a
what-do-you-call-it when
you...umm. When you...When you
punish criminals in...uh, days of
yore. It was a... And you'd put
them in the...uh, the square in
those...you know...uh-
Alex
Trebek: You mean in the
stocks or a pillory?
Jeff
Goldblum: Yes, exactly!
Buzz
Alex
Trebek: (Hesitates) It's a
freaking hammer!
Jeff
Goldblum: Well of course it
is!
Sean
Connery: Now listen to me!
You back off Trebek! You wouldn't
have known that if you didn't
have that card in front of you!
...This guy reads from a
card!
Alex
Trebek: Whatever...Lets move
on to "Current US Presidents" for
$400. And the answer is, "He is
the current US president."
(...silence) "He has white
hair, and you've probably seen
him in the news."
(...silence) "His first
name is 'Bill'."
(...silence) "Mr.
Goldblum, I know for a fact you
had dinner with him recently."
(...silence) "His last
name is Clinton!"
(...silence) "His name is
Bill Clinton, please someone
simply say, 'Who is Bill
Clinton?'." (...silence)
Someone just say it! Anyone.
(Time runs out) ...And the
show has reached a new
low.
Sean
Connery: And I'm the cock of
the walk!
Alex
Trebek: All right, lets just
move on to Final Jeopardy. And
the category is, "Letters of the
Alphabet." All you have to do is
write down a letter. Any letter
at all. For instance, "A" or
"G."
(Jeopardy
Theme Plays... )
Alex
Trebek: There is no reason
why any of you should be writing
this much! Please just write down
a letter of the alphabet. Mr.
Goldblum evidently doing Tai Chi
over there...
(Time
runs out and lights go
up.)
Alex
Trebek: Okay, for the sake of
tradition, lets take a look at
the answers. Sean Connery, you
wrote: (Picture of a large
hand giving "The Finger"
appears) Okay...that is
definitely not a
letter.
Sean
Connery: Ha-Haa!!
Alex
Trebek: Beautiful...just
beautiful. Minnie Dryver lets see
what you wrote. You drew a
picture of an eye.
Minnie
Dryver: Well, "I" is a letter
isn't it?
Alex
Trebek: Are you English or
retarded? Lets go to Jeff
Goldblum who appears to still be
doing Tai Chi. Lets see what your
answer was. The number
2.
Jeff
Goldblum: Ah-hah ah-hah
ah-hah...the letter 2 my
friend!
Alex
Trebek: No, 2 is a
number.
Jeff
Goldblum: I...uh, I...uh,
can't read or write.
Alex
Trebek: Good for you...Well,
as always three perfectly good
charities have been deprived of
money here on Celebrity Jeopardy.
I'm Alex Trebek, and the three of
you should be ashamed of
yourselves! Good
Night!
(Jeopardy
Theme Song... )
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