|
On
"Real Stories of the Highway
Patrol", a pair of highway
patrollers pull over two guys
they think are suspicious
characters, then give them a hard
time:
Officer
Tom Martin (Will Ferrell):
Can I see your license and
registration, please?
Jesus
(Horatio Sanz): Yeah, sure,
Officer. Is everything
okay?
Officer
Tom Martin: [ quick-paced
] You wanna tell me something
that's not okay?
Jesus:
[ confused ] No.. I
don't..
Officer
Tom Martin: [ inspecting
license ] Sir, it says your
name is..uh.. "Jesus"?
Jesus:
That's Jesus, pronounced
"Hey-Zeus".
Officer
Tom Martin: Am I supposed to
believe the Son of Man drives a
'93 Mazda with a broken
taillight? You think I'm stupid,
Jesus?
Jesus:
No, I don't.
Vance
(Tim Meadows): Hey, uh..
Officer, what's going
on?
Officer
Tom Martin: Who are you? Are
you one of the apostles? You
Peter? Or Paul?
Vance:
My name is Vance.
Officer
Tom Martin: I don't think
"Vance" is in the Bible. Listen,
Jesus, does one of your apostles
always, uh.. ride shotgun without
a seat belt?
Vance:
Look, Officer, we don't want any
trouble. We just want to get out
of here, okay?
Officer
Mike Berger (Stiller): [
approaching ] What we got
going on over here?
Maury
Hannigan: Two
jackasses.
[
Jesus and Vance groan
]
Jesus:
We don't want any
trouble..
Officer
Mike Berger: Huh? Who ya'
talkin' to, huh? Huh? Huh? Who
ya' talkin' to? Huh? You think
you a hotshot, huh?
Huh?
Jesus:
No.
Officer
Mike Berger: No, you don't
think you're a hotshot? Or, no,
you don't know who you're talkin'
to? Huh? What ya' talking about?
Huh?
Jesus:
What?
Officer
Mike Berger: A little
confused this evening, Sir? Step
out of the vehicle. [ pulls
door open ]
Jesus:
[ stepping out
reluctantly ] We don't want
any trouble..
Officer
Tom Martin: [ to Vance
] Stay there,
Dreadlock.
Officer
Mike Berger: Alright, I'm
gonna search you, Sir. [
searches him ] Alright, what
am I gonna find? What am I gonna
find, some illegal substance?
Huh? What have we got here?
What's this, huh? [ pulls out
Jesus' wallet ]
Officer
Tom Martin: You don't even
know where you are, do
you?
Officer
Mike Berger: Look at this, a
little treasure trove, huh? Looks
like $60.
Jesus:
That's my wallet.
Officer
Mike Berger: Hey, looks like
King Midas, huh?
Officer
Tom Martin: Richie
Rich.
Officer
Mike Berger: The Lost City of
Gold.
Officer
Tom Martin: Ricardo Rich.
Keep your hands on the
car.
Officer
Mike Berger: Hey, Jesus, you
like games? Huh? 'Cause I got a
game for you. It's called "You're
Under Arrest". How you like that
one?
Jesus:
Aw, come on, guys, what are you
doing?
Officer
Mike Berger: Yeah, you know
who wins? John & Jane Public.
They win every time.
Officer
Tom Martin: You still there,
Bob Marley? Where's Bob Marley?
You still there?
[
cut to Maury Hannigan, host of
"Highway Patrol" ]
Maury
Hannigan: But the drama
didn't end there, as the subjects
began to become more
violent..
[
cut back to scene of arrest
]
Officer
Tom Martin: Okay, you wanna
know why I arrested you tonight,
Sir?
Jesus:
I don't know, was I
speeding?
Vance:
[ laughing ] Yeah,
you were speeding!
Officer
Mike Berger: You think that's
funny? What are you, a
comedian?
Officer
Tom Martin: Are you going to
be at the Comedy Shoppe
later?
Officer
Mike Berger: Yeah, am I going
to see you on Jay Leno tonight,
Sir?
Vance:
Look, Officer, we're not
comics..
Officer
Tom Martin: I've got Freddie
Prinze over here. "Chico &
The Man".
Jesus:
Freddie Prinze is dead,
man..
Officer
Mike Berger: [ to Vance
] Hey! Sinbad! Do me a favor,
step out of the vehicle,
okay?
Vance:
[ steppin out of vehicle
] Look, Officer, I think we
got off on the wrong
foot..
Officer
Mike Berger: Hey, hey,
Sanford & Son! I've got a
little comedy routine for you,
alright? Check this one out: uh..
"Who's on first? What's on
second? I don't know. Who's
getting arrested? Looks like you,
my friend!"
Vance:
I want to call my
lawyer!
Officer
Mike Berger: Oh, look at
this! We got Johnny Cochran over
here! We've got a lawyer, Johnny
Cochran.
Officer
Tom Martin: Great job with
O.J. Maybe you can help Jesus out
over here.
Officer
Mike Berger: Yeah, how do you
like those apples?
Vance:
I don't like
apples.
Officer
Mike Berger: Oh, really? What
are you, Steve Jobs?
[
cut to rising super of text
]
Maury
Hannigan: [ voice-over
] "After further questioning,
it was determined that neither
subject had actually committed a
crime. Three days later, the
suspects filed a lawsuit against
the Highway Patrol for violating
their civil rights. While the
lawsuit is still pending, the
patrolmen received a one-week
suspension with pay."
[
fade ]
|
