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Neil:
Hello, everyone. They told me
before I came on this show, that
I was supposed to tell the
stories behind my most popular
songs, and then play them. I
said, "Cool let's do it!" But,
Gary over here was a little shy..
Gary
the Bass Player (Goodman):
Now, come on, Neil, give me a
break, man.
Neil:
Ah, ha ha ha ha! This first
song.. (Kenny the Keyboard Player
intros "Sweet Caroline", crowd
applauds) Thank you. That, of
course, "Sweet Caroline". I wrote
that song after a big show at the
Forum. Gary and I had been
drinking pretty heavily, and we
were driving..
Gary:
[ worried ] Oh, I
can't believe you're gonna tell
this story..
Neil:
Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, well, we
were driving down this dark road,
and I hit a kid. [the crowd
is stunned] So, we got out,
and sure enough he was dead. So,
we just took off. Pretty fast.
And, two hours later, I wrote
"Sweet Caroline". Sweet Caroline.
Good times never seemed so good.
Thank you.
[
crowd struggles to applaud, still
stunned by the story ]
Neil:
It gets crazy on the road, and
awful lonely. That's why I love
pornography. This next song is
all about my love of hardcore,
barely-legal pornography. Gary
knows what I'm talking about.
Gary:
Yeaaahhh, he likes that
really weird porno you can't send
through the mail. I'll be honest.
It ain't cool, it creeps out the
whole band.
Neil:
Well, my bizarre, insatiable, and
downright dangerous sexual habits
led me to write this song. [
Kenny intros "Cracklin' Rosie"
] Oh, Cracklin' Rose, get on
board. We're gonna ride 'til
there ain't no more to go. We're
takin' it slow. Let's all do the
best we can. And I can turn
invincible if I really try-y
hard! [ crowd barely applauds
] Uh, I can't quite remember
how that one goes. I-I gotta
admit, I'm a little high.
Kenny over here gave me some
dynamite pills.
Kenny
the Keyboard Player (Tim
Meadows): Hey, come on, man..
Neil:
Hey! Cool out! Just everyone cool
out. COOL OUT!! [ pause ]
This next song, you all might
like. Few people know that I am
fueled creatively by my massive
hatred of immigrants. [ Kenny
intros "America" ] Gary and I
have gone on for hours about how
much we hate foreignors. Right,
Gary?
Gary:
Leave me out of this, man.
Neil:
NO, I WILL LEAVE YOU IN!!
(back to story) Well, my love of
this great and beautiful nation,
and my hatred of all people with
dark skin, led me to write
this.
On the boats and on the trains.
They're coming to America. Never
looking back again. Just do the
best you can! You hate your
keyboard player because he's
black! Never had the courage to
tell him sooo--AAUUGGHH!!
AAUUGGH!! OW!!
Kenny:
Hey, man, you're a wreck!
Neil:
Ow! Come on.. I think I tore
some stitches. Come on, Gary,
help me out..
Gary:
No, that's enough, Neil, man,
you gotta chill out.
Neil:
I'll smack you in the mouth,
I'm Neil Diamond!
Kenny:
Okay, that's it, I'm gone.
That's it. [ Kenny and
members of the crowd exit ]
Neil:
Wait! This next song, I wrote
after I killed a drifter to get
an erection. [ more members
of the crowd exit ] Forever
in blue jeans.. Where you goin'?
Do the best you can. Reach for
the stars like a champion. John
Elway finally won--AAUUGGHH!!
I put clown make-up on my penis,
blue jeans. AAUUGGHH, AAUUGHH!!
Gary:
Neil, Neil.. Come on, it's
over. Let's go, buddy.
Neil:
Ow! My heart! My, my ass! My
heart and ass hurt. (Gary pulls
Neil off the stage, fade to
title)
Announcer:
(Music Outro: "I Am..I Said")
This has been VH-1 Storytellers,
with Neil Diamond.
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