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A
"John" walks downstairs in a
Southern bordello with a
prostitute, feeling ashamed of
himself and ready to leave the
premises:
Crystal
(Molly Shannon): Candy? This
gentleman is ready to
pay.
John
(Goodman): [ approaching
main counter ] Okay, I'll
just give you the cash…
[takes out his
wallet]
Candy
(Ana Gasteyer): [
standing behind computer ]
Oh, no.. we just got a new
computer system, so it'll just
take a minute, okay? [
punches keyboard ] Hope I'm
doing this right.. First, I enter
my access code.. then, Crystal's
I.D. code..
Crystal:
Uh.. 2-5-5-4.
Candy:
[ types it in ] Got it.
Okay, here we go: What services
did you receive?
John:
Uh.. I.. I'm not telling you what
I got.
Candy:
Well, it's asking me to list
services, and it won't let me go
to the next screen without it.
Um.. I'll just read the options,
and you can tell me to stop when
one sounds familiar, okay?
They're alphabetical - Accent..
Acrobat.. Ape Suit..
Ass-Play..
John:
I.. uh.. I really don't feel
comfortable with
this..
Crystal:
Oh, and when did you get so
shy, huh? [ to Candy ]
I'll tell you what we did. [
looks on computer ] Okay,
scroll it down. Yes. Yes. No.
Almost. Yes. Yes!
Candy:
Okay. Now, can I have your zip
code?
John:
Uh.. listen, I'm at a cat-house,
and I really don't want to
advertise it..
Candy:
Okay, I don't know what to do
here, then. Hold on.
Carletta!
Carletta
(Cheri Oteri): [
appearing in the doorway with her
personal John (Horatio Sanz)
] Wot?
Candy:
Okay, if this guy doesn't want to
give us his zip code, what do we
do?
Carletta:
Well, why doesn't he have a zip
code? Is he homeless? [
laughs ]
Crystal:
No, he doesn't want us to know
where he lives.
Carletta:
Well, did yew itemize the
services?
John:
Yes! Listen, I'm just gonna
leave my $200 on the desk here..
[ places money down
]
Carletta:
Wait! Let me see if Ah can figure
this out hea-uh. [ to her
personal John ] Humphrey, you
go upstairs and heat up the wax.
[ Humphrey exits upstairs, as
she fixates on the computer ]
Alright, did you get all the
services listed
hea-uh?
John:
Yes.
Carletta:
You did? Alright, now.. what's
annual sex?
Candy:
Sorry, I spelled it wrong. I'm a
prostitute, okay?
Carletta:
Did I say anything? Okay, I think
we can just use any zip code,
now.. [ starts typing ]
Just.. oh, crap! I done froze it
up!
John:
[ frustrated ] Oh, this
is ridiculous!
Carletta:
Okay, everyone, just simmer down
now! I think the computer guy is
still hea-uh. He's in the back
room with Bebe. Randall?
Randall?
[
Randall, dressed in leather suit
and mask, steps out
]
Candy:
Randall, this guy doesn't want to
give us his zip code.
Randall
(Will Ferrell): Well, this
"guy" obviously doesn't know how
important accumalating data can
be to a business.
John:
Let me explain something to
you: I'm feeling a lot of shame
right now. I got drunk at a
business lunch, I'm starting to
sober up. I'm 800 miles from my
beautiful wife and my three
darling children. And I just
spent our Six Flags money on
awkward sex with a
stranger.
Crystal:
Yeah, it was pretty
awkward.
John:
I just want to pay someone for
the horrible thing I've just
done, and get out of here. So,
could you please hurry the hell
up?
Randall:
Did the lovely Crystal, here,
tell you to "hurry the hell up"
while you were, uh.. [ looks
at computer screen, clicks mouse
] ..acting out a paramedic
fantasy?
John:
No.
Randall:
Okay. Then I think you can wait
for two more minutes while we get
you processed in our new system,
okey-dokey?
John:
Alright.
Randall:
Alright, I may as well go
through this again with everyone
at once. Hey, everybody, could we
just gather around, just run
through this one more time? [
group gathers around ]
Remember, try to think of what
different Johns have in common -
it'll be much easier to organize
your desktop. Uh.. now, we have a
profile for Grumpy, here. He's
married, and it looks like he
prefers ass-play, so we can go to
create a new file, and let's just
call him "Back-Door Married",
okay? So, what's his
password?
Group:
"Back-Door Married".
Randall:
Perfect. [ to John ] So,
the next time that you come, you
can use that as your
password.
John:
[ angry ] I'm never
coming back! [ exits
whorehouse ]
Nippleclips
Seminary Student: [
enters, approaches desk ] Hi.
Um.. "Nippleclips Seminary
Student".
Randall:
Welcome back.
Nippleclips
Seminary Student: Thank
you.
Candy:
[ on computer ] How do
you spell "seminary"?
Randall:
This would be a good time to
show you SpellCheck..
[
fade ]
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