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Inside the Actor's Studio (10-23-99)

James Lipton (Will Ferrell): Every once in a while, an actor graces the stage, who's truly an icon of the American cinema. One such actor is with us today. Please join me in welcoming Mr. Clint Eastwood. [ Clint takes the stage ] Actor. Director. Writer. Producer, Composer, Mayor. Which hat fits best?

Clint Eastwood (Norm MacDonald): Well, I'm really not much of a hat person, but I guess I'd have to say that of a director. During the filming of "The Unforgiven", why I..

James Lipton: [ interrupting ] Clint, you grew up.. in Depression-era California, where your parents were iterrant worker After high school, he worked as a lumberjack, played honky-tonk piano, and was a swimming instructor in the U.S. Army. How did this shape you as an actor?

Clint Eastwood: Well, uh, I believe the army gave me discipline as an actor. Now, when you're out in the field..

James Lipton: [ interrupting ] In 1966.. a film was released, here in America, that would change your life: "Il Buono, Il Brutto, Il Cattivo" Or, as American audiences would come to know it - "The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly". Which, if you haven't seen.. [ whispers ] ..marvelous! A film that in most people's minds says, "This.. is.. Clint Eastwood.

Clint Eastwood: Well.. uh.. that's an interesting story. Now, I've got a.. I've got an interesting story for you, Lipton.

James Lipton: I'm sure our students would love to hear it.

Clint Eastwood: Well.. it's about a fella with a.. neatly-trimmed beard. A fella, not unlike yourself. Well, this fella.. he liked pokin' his nose where it didn't rightly belong. Well, that fella woke up one morning and he noticed that his face was a little sore. That's because while he was sleepin', why someone had kicked most of his teeth in. Now, what do you make o' that story?

James Lipton: [ laughs ] Delightful! [ grabs his next card ] Every once in a while, an actor creates a role that touches us in such a way, God himself says, "Bravo!" That role, for me, was that of Hogan in "Two Mules for Sister Sara". In my opinion, one of the greatest roles ever to be captured on film.

Clint Eastwood: Well, that's a hell of an opinion, and I've got an opinion of my own. You really like the sound o' your own voice, don't ya?

James Lipton: A reference to me. And now it's time for the dreaded questions. [ giggles ] Let's start with: What is your least favorite word?

Clint Eastwood: Neatly-trimmed beard.

James Lipton: What's your favorite curse word?

Clint Eastwood: Well that'd have to be you.

James Lipton: And, finally, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?

Clint Eastwood: Well, I'd like to hear him say, as he doffed his cap to me, "Well, Clint, James Lipton is in Hell right now, being raped by the Devil." I believe that would hit my ear just fine.

James Lipton: Clint Eastwood, on behalf of the Actor's Studio, and the students before us, I thank you. Any final words?

Clint Eastwood: Well, Sir.. I have met some goddamned dirty sons of bitches in my time, and I have met some dirty goddamned sons of bitches. But, you Sir, are, without a doubt, the goddamnedest dirtiest son of a bitch I have ever met.

James Lipton: Eloquently put! Ladies and gentlemen, Clint Eastwood.

[ fade to black ]

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