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 BILL
BRASKY'S
FRIEND
The
"Brasky Bunch" (as many like to
call them) appeared on SNL just a
few times, but have developed
quite a cult following. They
haven't appeared since the end of
the '96-'97 season and if you're
one of those people who falls
asleep after Weekend Update,
you've probably never seen
them.
So, for
those of you that don't know who
they are...These guys all sit
around in a bar and drunkenly
shout out things about a mutual
friend of theirs: Bill Brasky.
Many of the comments they say are
not to be believed and as the
sketch progresses the comments
get more outlandish.
The
only people left on the show from
the "Bunch" are Will Ferrell and
Tim Meadows who often joined in
from another table with a comment
like, "Hey! Are you guys talking
about Bill Brasky? I know Bill
Brasky, too!"
The
following is a good amount of the
bagging the buddies do for their
friend Bill
Brasky:
"Bill
Brasky is a son of a
bitch!"
"Bill
Brasky is the father of every kid
in this town!"
"Bill
Brasky once showed me a video of
him making love to my wife, and
it was the most beautiful thing I
ever saw!"
"One
time I was with Brasky in the
back of a pickup truck, along
with a live deer. Brasky goes up
to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill
Brasky! SAY IT!' Then he
manipulates the deer's lips in
such a way as to make it say,
'Billbrasky'
... It wasn't exactly like it,
but it was pretty good for a
deer!'"
"He'd
eat a homeless person if you
dared him!"
"His
poop is used as currency in
Argentina."
"He
sweats Gatorade"
"He
once breast-fed a flamingo back
to health."
"He
hated Mexicans! And he was half
Mexican! .......And he hated
irony!"
"I once
saw him scissor kick Angela
Landsbury."
"He
sheds his skin once a
year."
"He
makes brooms somewhere in
Georgia."
"He did
3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in
Corpus Christi on business a
month ago. I had this eight foot
tall Asian waiter, which made me
curious. I asked him his name.
Sure enough it's Ho Tran
Brasky!"
"I once
saw him eat a whole live
chicken."
"His
favorite movie is 'One on One'
with Robby Benson."
"He
sleeps eight hours a night!
........ well, he was pretty
normal when it came to
that."
"Bill
Brasky was a two ton man-mountain
who could palm a medicine
ball!"
"Did I
ever tell you about the time
Brasky took me out to go get a
drink with him? We go off looking
for a bar and we can't find one.
Finally Brasky takes me to a
vacant lot and says, 'Here we
are.' We sat there for a year and
a half and sure enough someone
constructs a bar around us. The
day they opened we ordered a
shot, drank it, and then burned
the place to the ground. Brasky
yelled over the roar of the
flames, 'Always leave things the
way you found em!'"
"Bill
Brasky had a four day heart
attack...a day for each chamber.
At the autopsy, they said his
heart looked like a basketball
filled with riccotta
cheese."
"He
once punched a hole in a cow just
to see who was coming up the
road."
"He
taught me how to make love to a
woman, and how to scold a
child."
"They
found $60 in change in his
stomach."
"He did
all the makeup on the 'Planet of
the Apes' movie."
"He
grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a
vault."
"Brasky
drank a full glass of liquid LSD
with his eggs. Then he slept for
8 months straight. When he woke
he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All
in all, I prefer
gin.'"
"They
say Gene Roddenbery got the idea
for Star Trek from listening to
Brasky talk in his
sleep."
"He
date raped David
Bowie."
"He
once inhaled a
seagull."
"The
Pope told him it was ok to have a
mistress."
"It was
the sight of Brasky's naked body
that drove Brian Wilson
insane."
"He
once had sex with a cigarette
machine."
"He
killed Wolfman Jack with a
trident."
"He
uses the Shroud of Turin as a
golf towel."
"He
once ate the Bible while water
skiing."
"He
drives an ice cream truck covered
in human skulls."
"He
sired a baseball team.. an
orchestra if you count the
bastards!"
"You
know, he would shoot whiskey into
his neck with a syringe!"
"He has
dandruff the size of
mice!"
"He
jogged with a fridge on his
back!"
"Bill
Brasky was a 10 foot monster who
slept with all our wives! And
punched us all in the face! And
we loved him for it!"
"His
first name is Bill! ....... I'm
drunk."
"He's a ten
foot tall beastman who showers in
vodka and feeds his baby shrimp
scampi."
"He
orchestrated the merger between
Unicef and Smith &
Wessen."
"He went
public with his own buttocks and
made $7 million."
"Did I ever
tell you about the time Brasky
went hunting?
Brasky decides he's going to hunt
down all four of the Banana
Splits. He stalks and kills every
one of them with a machette. They
all begged for their
lives...except
Fleagle."
"We once had a
bachelor party for Brasky. He ate
the entire cake before we could
tell him there was a stripper in
it."
"Brasky once
hosted the Grammys and gave every
award to Corey Hart."
"He has a
toenail on the end of his
penis."
"Brasky once
got his wife pregnant and gave
birth to a delicious 16 ounce
steak. The after birth was
sauteed mushrooms."
"Brasky's
family crest is a picture of a
baracudda eating Neil
Armstrong."
"Brasky ranked
18th in the AP College Football
Pool."
"Did I ever
tell you about the time Brasky
was in a production of, 'The King
& I?'
On opening night, Brasky
chloroforms the entire cast and
slowly eats them in front of the
audience for two hours. The
production got pretty good
reviews."
"He
breastfeeds John
Madden."
"Brasky named
the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT
want to be called
that."
"If you drop a
phonograph needle on Brasky's
nipple, it plays the Beach Boys'
'Pet Sounds.'"
"They use
Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when
it rains at Yankee
stadium."
"Brasky
directed that commercial where
the women play basketball in high
heels."
"All the 'Yes'
album covers are Brasky family
photos."
"He wears a
live rattlesnake as a
condom."
"Did I ever
tell you about the time he taught
his son how to drive?
He did it by entering him in the
Indy 500. The kid wrecked and
died. Brasky said it would've
happened sometime."
"Brasky's
semen can form into a liquid
human - like the guy from
'Terminator 2'"
"Brasky still
believes in Santa Claus, and he
wants to put him in porno
films."
"He thinks
then iron man is gay."
"He framed
Roger Rabbit."
"The character
of Johnny Appleseed was based on
Brasky - except for the apple
tree planting and not raping
men."
"He gave a
handjob to a manta
ray."
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